I've heard that confession is good for the soul, talking about a loss is part of healing, etc. So here goes. I do hope this doesn't sound like a self-pity party.
My dad passed away April 17 and was laid to rest on the 19th.
My parents had 2 sons of which I was second. My older brother was always referred to by our dad as "#1 son" and therefore I was "#2 son". Okay, #2... another term for fecal matter? After having a son dad wanted a daughter so as soon as he saw my boy junk he was let down. I was born in 1959, way before ultra sound scans.
After my parents divorced dad remarried and got the daughter he wanted and a 3rd son whom he often called his "main man". So somewhere between #1 son, baby girl and main man was... what? that other kid?
I know in his own way my dad loved me as his son but never felt like he really liked me as my own person. If you've seen 'Lord Of The Rings' you'll know what I mean when I say I know how Faramir felt about his family dynamics.
Often I imagined how it would go if and when we sat and discussed our truest, deepest, darkest and yes, brightest feelings for each other. Now that opportunity is lost to me this side of the river.
We never like to think about losing a close family member preferring to lie to ourselves that they'll always be here.
I'll not preach to you or tell you how you should live or even suggest a course of action except one thing...
Even if you don't confront an issue with a loved one, accept as fact that they do love you in their own way and did their best in their own way by you. Love them unconditionally and never, NEVER miss an opportunity to tell them so. What I wouldn't give to hug my dad again and tell him "I love you".
At the final viewing of the body I was holding back, really not wanting to go. My mom's brother after whom I am named said "No, I'd rather remember him standing up". I put my arm around him and said, "Me too, Unc".
He and I have always been seen as rather eccentric even as young men. Animal lovers, lovers of getting our hands in the dirt to grow veggies and fruit when going to the grocery is easier. We kinda lost touch when I started working 3rd shift but Hell, he only lives some 40 or so miles away. I can go visit him more often and we can share our eccentricities.
Anyway, if you love someone never miss a chance to tell them so. You never know when it will be your last chance.
Dogs, ducks, lizards & geese for World Peace.
Love always, Merlin
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